Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
