I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Randomize
