i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
