Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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