bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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