I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm way too hungover for life right now
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
