I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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