remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
