So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
