I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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