yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
