I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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