Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
