dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
