Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize