Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
