i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
