sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
