I think I won the penis lottery.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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