I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
