Everything about him screamed your future.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Who died my cat blue again?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
