I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
