you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
