whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
