It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
