Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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