We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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