you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
