Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize