The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
