I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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