Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
