We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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