I haven't been this sober since birth.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
