My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I am one with the molecules
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
