i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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