wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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