if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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