mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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