her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
