Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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