i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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