My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
