The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
