o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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