haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
