cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
