She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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