We won't sleep together?
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
