1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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