I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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