I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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