im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
babies were throwing up all over the place
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
did i walk over a car last night?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
There are leaves in my underwear?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
