You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
