we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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