We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
