He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize