just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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