Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
